You Taught Her Well

‘All she wanted was to love you and you taught her that love doesn’t exist’

 

All she wanted was you. All of you. The good and the bad. The light parts and the dark parts. She wanted a partner. She wanted to hold you up when you felt you were falling. Support you when you were alone. Take care of you when you needed help. Even when you didn’t realize you did. She wanted to be there for and with you for the  moments of success and the moment of failure. No matter how big or small. She had nothing but love to give you. Support and respect. And you would take this from her. While giving nothing back. She screamed silently and cried in the shadows. Put on a smile when you saw her face. For the times she reached out she was denied. She learned that she was not important. She did not matter. Only you mattered. Only you would get what you needed. She learned to put herself aside and tend to your every need. Worrying about you and wanting to make your life better. She learned that her needs were dumb. Her life did not matter. She became numb. The only thing she could feel now was he quiet you left her in every night you ignored her. Yet she still waited for her phone to ring. To light up. To give her hope that she was even the smallest thought on your mind. What she got instead was told you didn’t want to talk to her. You didn’t need her, want her. She satisfied your needs and that was what you wanted. You needed to feel loved and taken care of and she gave that to you. Empty words turned to hurtful words. ‘I get it now’ ‘I’ll take care of you too’ became ‘I’m not sure I want you’ ‘I don’t want to talk to you that often’. You were selfish while she was selfless. Giving everything she had until there was nothing left of her. She made sure you had everything and more a man could want. In return you gave her excuses as to why you were hiding her. A woman strong enough to accept you and want you and look past your flaws. She would start to reach out and you ignored her words. She got used to being ignored by you while she packed up items to send to you to make you smile. To make you better. She wanted nothing but the best for you and she was it. She would never walk away from you in moments of need, darkness, or success. You refused to be there for her. The pit in her stomach that would keep her awake at night slowly disappeared. She now felt nothing. It was at this moment she realized something had to change. She would have to stop having hope that you would see her for the amazing strong woman she is. How perfect she was for you. She wanted nothing but the best for you and you refused to accept it. She has no voice when it comes to you. So she screams silently and cries to herself when no one is looking. Still hoping you’re ok and happy. She does not matter. Only you matter. You taught her this and it was a lesson she will never forget. 

A New Beginning

“Let us always meet each other with a smile, for the smile is the beginning of love” ~ Mother Teresa

 

Today is a new day! It is the beginning of the future. This past weekend was less than what I expected and wanted but I am putting it all behind me now and moving forward. I was going to post of what I went through last night but I will dwell on the past no more. I need to make a change in my life and that starts now. Today.

I will be a better version of myself for myself and those I love. I am looking for a new company to work with even though I am happy where I am enough to stay. I will work my hardest at work but would love a change of scenery. I out my all into my work and want to make things better.

I will focus on myself and the girls more. I worked so hard for a year and a half to be a better me and in 4 months time a lot of that work was undone. I refuse to allow that to happen again or to continue. I have so many wonderful qualities and from now on only those who see that will reap the benefits from it.

I have goals and dreams, some from since I can remember and some new ones. I have dreams for myself and for my girls. And I also have dreams for him but that will wait for now. I take on too much and I don’t know how to change that. I take on the problems of my friends and family and make them my own. I internalize feelings and I can’t get out of my head. I’ve tried not to but it’s who I am. I don’t want to change who I am but I need to stop taking on so much. I just don’t know how to stop this behavior. I enjoy taking care of others and being able to help them. I have a need to be needed but I have a need to fulfill those needs for them or I feel I am a failure. I know this needs to change, but again, it is who I am. It’s just how I am programmed.

I have too many people in my life who either drain the positivity and happiness out of me or who make situations seems worse than they are. I have people who are co-dependent and if things are going well they will make an issue out of nothing and if I don’t agree they won’t stop until I do. I know things aren’t as they make it out to be, but after hearing them say it over and over it is st least now repeating in my head. So even if I know things are fine, they aren’t really. I am done with people like this. The only hard thing for now is that I live with one of these people. I need to move forward while not being able to.

But today is a new day. I am making it the beginning of my future and if I want certain things I need to make certain adjustments. I am more than willing and ready for the work. I am ready for happiness and love to be in my life. Come find me!! I will find you…

Breaking Point

“I’m used to it, people I thought were important to me do not actually care much about me at all, maybe it was out of pity or maybe at that point in time they just needed someone to talk to, but either way I got let down so many times, I’m used to it”

 

We all have a breaking point. I have felt I have been at mine numerous times but I have always been able to see that I am not there yet, just being pushed a little too far. I have been able to recover and talk or forgive or pick myself up. But now I know the feeling of my breaking point.With everything I’ve been going through lately I thought this would be the one time they would stop and make time for me. That when I reached out and spoke up and asked for support, I would get it. I realize now how little I mean to them if at all. Here’s what happened…

So as you know I am struggling with anxiety and depression and I have work stress and the kids stress. I have someone special in my life who hides me from people and makes excuses for it, saying he wants me and the girls to move out of state to be with him yet he always puts me last. Well, the night before last my mom went to the hospital. She has heart issues that have sent her there before but she said this was different. Her blood pressure was really high and she was throwing up with a lot of pain in her stomach that went around her side and into her back. She said the pain was worse than childbirth. She was not doing well to say the least. This was around midnight. The next morning, after hours of morphine, she felt a little better. They did a ct scan and some blood work. We waited. Going between the hospital and home all day I was getting worn out and worried more than ever. I told that someone in my life that I needed him. We texted a bit through the day. Now, I haven’t actually talked to him in almost 3 days because he has been ‘busy’. I get that but now I really need someone to talk to and he knows this.

Last night all I wanted to do was to talk to him. He wasn’t responding to me and he made excuses when he would get back to me hours later. He has never put me first but he also knew that I needed to feel important since the last time we talked I told him I needed to feel that way. I thought he would finally put me first seeing as I was having the worst day ever.

Nope! He stayed out with his buddy until 3am and we never talked. WOW!! I really must mean a lot to him.

So now what do I do? I back off. Completely. It is time for him to see my value and what I bring to his life and the only way to do that is to walk away from him. Something drastic has to happen for him to realize what he will be missing out on. I cannot imagine ignoring someone who is going through a hard time and just doing my own thing. If  I were a veteran and called him telling him I needed someone to talk to, he would drop everything he was doing and be there for me. If I were one of his buddies and needed help, he would tell whoever he was with to wait and he would call me.

But no. I’m only the woman who sacrifices everything for him. I support him even when it’s hard and I don’t want him to be where he is, I want him here with me instead. I send him care packages and notes. I listen to him anytime he needs no matter what I’m doing. The people he stops his world for do nothing in return for him. He is taking me for granted and I’m tired of it. I have enough going on and don’t need yet another person to let me down. I don’t want to walk away from him but I have to respect myself and if he won’t put me first, I will.

I am at my breaking point. I want him in my life so badly that I have put up with more than anyone should have to. That is over. I am worth so much more than what he has given me. I will love myself enough. All I wanted was to make him happy but I needed just a little in return. He is selfish and cold.

I am at my breaking point and I don’t think I’m coming back this time.

 

 

When is Enough, Enough

‘There is a difference between giving up, and knowing when you’ve had enough.’

First I’d like to say Happy 4th of July!! I hope everyone has a wonderful and magical day!!

As many of you know I’ve been struggling with a few too many issues lately. From anxiety to depression and relationship issues, work and family. I’m feeling like enough is enough already!! I’m ready to be happy. I’ve been ready for some time now. I don’t know why it is so much to ask that I find happiness and that others support that happiness. It seems like every time I start to have something good in my life, something has to happen to pull me back into this darkness.

I have hopes and dreams for myself and my girls. Dreams that are realistic and some a little far off but with some work can be achieved. I’m not afraid of the work. What I’m afraid of is losing those who mean the most to me because they don’t have the patience to accept what I’m going through or the need of me in their lives to work things out with me. Everyone needs support at some time in their lives. I’m afraid to tell someone my dreams and my issues for fear they won’t want to put in the work themselves. A little effort goes a long way with me and time is what I need and they may not have to give. I need understanding and not judgement.

When you don’t feel important you tend to shut down while also trying to reach out for help. It’s a real struggle.

Just last night I had a conversation with someone that I now feel will walk away from me because I was upset with them and I feel they won’t work through it with me but rather walk away. This is the very last thing I want. I also felt it necessary to let them know how I felt. I shouldn’t have to constantly put on a fake smile and pretend everything is ok. We are only treated the way we accept to be treated so if I never speak up it will never change. But I’m afraid to speak up with this person and now that I made some ripples in the water I’m scared they will walk out of my life. And I can’t go through that again.

Part of me thinks that if I’m not important enough to someone to work with me through our issues, issues that everyone has and they will have too, why would I want that person in my life? If they can’t give me the understanding I deserve why should accept that and keep giving all of myself to them? The other part of me knows how amazing we can be as a team and I know how important they are to me. The connection, the potential.

Yes, I have major anxiety. Yes, I have depression. That’s all on top of normal everyday stress that everyone has. I’m at the point where I’m finding it hard to hide it all now. And my fear that they won’t accept that is bad. I know this will pass and whoever can stand by my side through it, supporting me and understanding me, loving me, the end result will be more amazing than ever. That connection and bond will be unbreakable knowing you have even just one person who cares enough to say ‘you are enough and important enough to me that I will go through your struggles with you and not just watch it happen to you.’

I keep waiting for the shoe to drop and that causes me to cause issues that aren’t necessary. I’ve worked so hard on becoming the person I want to be and now I worry that the person I am isn’t enough. I know in my heart that I am enough, but are they at a point in their life where they will see it and acknowledge it?

So, I had this horrible night last night, which started with work. Had to go back and forth to and from work due to issues that were out of my control and then after work and at the end of the night I had to drive home a drunk of his ass father and his kids at someone’s house when the kids were scared and tired. I had to make this father give in and take the kids to a friends house instead of another party. It all worked out in the end but it messed me up. To see a parent treat their kids that way is horrible. Then I go home thinking I’ll get to talk to someone amazing, even though the talk would be a little upsetting, I thought it would end up being a really good talk. Well, that person decided that I wasn’t important enough to them to be given the courtesy of letting me know that they would not be talking to me but rather they got drunk and went home to bed. Knowing I wasn’t even a thought in their mind hurts. They are always on my mind and everything I do keeps them in mind. I do my best for them while they have no regard for my feelings.

I feel with time and patience things will be wonderful. But I don’t know if they have it in them.

So when is enough, enough. When do I fight for something and when I walk away?

The other side of the Story

I have no quote for this…

In my last post, a hot minute ago, I told of my amazing weekend. And every word was true. But, being human, there is more than one way to feel about it. I posted about an amazing weekend with an amazing person. And that still holds true. Here is the other side to that…

I mentioned not being enough. Not being more than everything else in his life. So while I am incredibly in awe of this person, I have frustrations as well. We all do with the people in our lives. Here’s why…

While I support him and his dreams, I feel like I’m pushed to the back. Everyday. And I know he is busy and certain things take precedence. They should. But a part of me still wants him to put me first sometimes.

For example, here have been days where I’ve had a hard day and just look forward to talking to him before bed. But if he gets a phone call or someone else who needs him, he gives them his undivided attention first. I come last. I don’t tell him my hardships because I know he has a lot going on, but sometimes I just want him to focus on me. (Which he did this weekend) When we do talk I don’t have his undivided attention. He’s online or someone walks up and he talks to them briefly, he always distracted. But when we are together, he says and does things that make me feel like he does find me important. I’m very confused.

I don’t see myself with anyone else but I don’t know if he feels the same way. He is stubborn as all get out. He doesn’t say how he feels. I will reassure him of things on my end but he doesn’t give that feeling of reassurance back. I don’t know if that’s because he just doesn’t think I need it, even though I’ve told him I do, or if there is nothing to reassure. I want to talk to him about it but I don’t want to push either. We went through a time where I would voice all my fears and concerns and he internalized it and it caused issues. I know his past as far as relationships goes has caused him to be a certain way. I try to show him I am different and that he doesn’t need to worry but I know what it’s like to be jaded.

Do I wait and give it more time or do I walk away? Again, when we are together, everything makes sense and we couldn’t be happier. But when we are apart, which is more than not, my mind wanders and I just don’t know.

Leaving

‘The reason it hurts so much to separate is because our souls are connected…’

I’m sitting in the airport in North Carolina and I really don’t want to be here. The airport that is. I want to stay. There is so much here for me and I know I could do so much good here. This past weekend was simply amazing. Relaxing and trying news foods, new places, meeting new friends.

He took me for a ride on his motorcycle and during that hour and a half I couldn’t imagine being away from him. He is in his element. He’s calm and happy. I get the chance to share this experience with him. The thought that this is the exact reason he didn’t want me before creeps up but I push it back. I’m here. He’s here. We are happy. Even if it’s just for the weekend. I’ll take every moment, every second, I can with him.

It’s not that I can’t live without these moments, but that I don’t want to. We are good together. But everything seems to stand in our way. Every hurdle we climb over, there is another one waiting for us right ahead of it. Yet there are signs. Signs that won’t let me forget who is important to me. His name in random places, books I read of that reference where he is or what he’s doing, pictures that show up out of nowhere.

Laying around talking, enjoying the silence, going out and staying in. We can do it all. I am so proud of him and want him to be proud of me too. I feel I just can’t do enough though. I keep falling short. Why can’t anything be easy. Or easier. He told me nothing good comes easy. And I get that. But shit! We have such a connection and I know I can make him happy. Support him. Take care of him the way he deserves. I need more dim him than he can give but I believe he will get there. He has so much going on, and even though I want to be more than all that to him, I accept that I’m not. And so sitting here, leaving him and this wonderful weekend, I’m ok. I’m sad and upset but I know that when he is ready to put me first we will be unstoppable.

I don’t want to leave but I know we will be back face to face again. The question is when and for how long?

the chairs may be empty for now but I know they won’t be for long…