We all have good days and bad days. Good moments and bad ones. It’s how we get through them that defines us as a person…
This morning was a bad one for me. It came out of nowhere. I was watching a movie, one that is intended for teens and requires little thinking. I LOVE these movies lol. They are one of my guilty pleasures. So I’m watching and I start getting emotional. Like EXTREMELY emotional. I don’t even know why so I just go with it. A good cry can be very good for a person. But it won’t stop. So I, in my usual overthinking fashion, start to analyze why.
I’m a generally happy person. Always trying to find the positive in a situation. I start to realize that my time is over. Not my life, but my time to really follow my dreams. I now need to focus on my girls and make sure they don’t end up hitting 37 years old, being alone and not having had carried out their dreams and goals. I want them to have more than I do. I want to help them do for themselves while helping them achieve all they want and dream of.
I have my amazing daughters, I have a few good friends, and I have a job I don’t hate. I don’t have a lot to complain about. I’ve made mistakes and I’ve made some really awesome choices as well. I’m almost at the point where I can buy a home for myself and the girls. One they deserve. With a yard and their own rooms. Where they can come home to and relax and feel safe and relaxed. I want to have bbq’s and birthday parties. Holidays and more. And I will have this for them and myself. It is something I won’t stop trying to get until I’ve gotten it.
Being able to do this as a single mom is important to me. For many reasons. I love that I can do it on my own. But part of me wishes I had someone to share it with. Other than the girls. Someone special to me. Someone who can see what I’ve done and built and they can be proud of me. Someone I can come home to and relax with after dinner and cleaning up the house. I want to wake up on Saturday mornings and make breakfast and have coffee in the yard and soak up the sun and quiet while holding the hand of my soulmate. I want the good and the bad. The cuddle moments and the fights. The making up and the getting through anything life throws at us because we are that amazing together.
I want to watch the girls grow up knowing what an honest and true relationship looks like and feels like. I want to share the moments the girls have with another person. Maybe even have a child together. Although I’m getting older and that probably will never happen, having the idea is one I like to think about.
I have so much to offer someone and want them to offer the same to me. I want the old fashioned relationship where we support each other and work through every moment as a team. I want to build my empire. And I’ll do it alone but having someone by my side would make it all that much better.
I know who I want this with. I would like to think we both have this same vision. But it seems impossible. Once upon a time it wasn’t so impossible. We shared our dream of building a life together. We had plans and were working them out in our heads. We looked at houses and went shopping for furniture and art work. We had space from each other but made every moment together count. But that all fell apart one day.
I remember this day like it was yesterday. We talk now about why things went so wrong and bounce ideas why off each other. Everything that went bad happened due to one thing. But I never say what the real reason was. I don’t say because I don’t want this person to feel bad. I don’t want to make waves where there is no reason to. Telling him what really broke us won’t fix anything. It is what it is. I’m happy for him and who he has become and what he has achieved. I wish I had been there for most of this but I wasn’t. I tried to be but I understand why he didn’t want me to be.
The reason I don’t date anymore is because it wouldn’t be fair to anyone I would date. I wouldn’t be able to give 100% of myself to them. My heart will forever remain with one person. Finding your soulmate and losing them doesn’t just go away once you realize it can never be. You just have to accept it and live the best life you can without them.
I will never feel the way I did with him with anyone else. Dating anyone else would be wrong. They would be getting a little bit of me but I would be comparing every moment with them to moments with the one I really want and deserve. That’s not right. I have too much respect for people to treat them that way.
I will always appreciate and remember all the good times. I will look back on those times and smile. I may not have the forever moments but the time I did have showed me what real love is. Without this person I would have never known what that feels like. And for this I am more than grateful. I cherish what we had. I want nothing more than success and an amazing life for him. I know that with me by his side, it would be that much better. For both of us. But I don’t see how that would be possible.
Legally I can’t move out of the state because the girls dad would never allow it. I can go to court to get a judge to ok it, but that won’t work either. One of the reasons I mentioned earlier that I cannot say because I don’t want anyone to feel bad about the past. He won’t move to me. I wouldn’t ask him to. He has almost everything he wants now and I’m so extremely happy for him. He will have an amazing life and I’m thankful for that. Because my love for him is so real, I accept that I won’t be a part of it. But if he ever falls and needs someone to pick him up, I’ll be here. Able and willing.
So I’m watching this movie and crying my eyes out. Knowing that I had what everyone dreams of having and it slipped away from me. Was ripped away to be honest. By someone who will never appreciate him the way I did and still do. I know the exact moment things went down. I will never forgive the person who caused this. He doesn’t even know what he did. (No. It was not another woman) If he knew what he had caused I don’t think he would care either. He has what he wants. He has the man I was created for. He gets to live out his life, not knowing that he not only destroyed me, but he took away half of my soulmates dream as well. When I first met my soulmate he told me his dreams. To have a family and to have his own business. This other person thinks he knows him so well and gave him half of his dream. But does he know what he took away? How well does he know him? My soulmate could have had everything he’s ever wanted, me and a business. But circumstances have made it so that will never be. And I will never tell him this. It won’t fix anything. I won’t make him feel bad for chasing his dream. I just wish I was part of what he is chasing.
So I’ll watch my movies and cry from time to time and try my best not to show it. I will smile when I hear of something great that has happened in his life. I will be happy for him. I will continue to be a woman he can be proud of even if he isn’t here with me. I will live my life the best I can. I had something some will never have or know. For that, I love him even more.