‘There is a difference between giving up, and knowing when you’ve had enough.’
First I’d like to say Happy 4th of July!! I hope everyone has a wonderful and magical day!!
As many of you know I’ve been struggling with a few too many issues lately. From anxiety to depression and relationship issues, work and family. I’m feeling like enough is enough already!! I’m ready to be happy. I’ve been ready for some time now. I don’t know why it is so much to ask that I find happiness and that others support that happiness. It seems like every time I start to have something good in my life, something has to happen to pull me back into this darkness.
I have hopes and dreams for myself and my girls. Dreams that are realistic and some a little far off but with some work can be achieved. I’m not afraid of the work. What I’m afraid of is losing those who mean the most to me because they don’t have the patience to accept what I’m going through or the need of me in their lives to work things out with me. Everyone needs support at some time in their lives. I’m afraid to tell someone my dreams and my issues for fear they won’t want to put in the work themselves. A little effort goes a long way with me and time is what I need and they may not have to give. I need understanding and not judgement.
When you don’t feel important you tend to shut down while also trying to reach out for help. It’s a real struggle.
Just last night I had a conversation with someone that I now feel will walk away from me because I was upset with them and I feel they won’t work through it with me but rather walk away. This is the very last thing I want. I also felt it necessary to let them know how I felt. I shouldn’t have to constantly put on a fake smile and pretend everything is ok. We are only treated the way we accept to be treated so if I never speak up it will never change. But I’m afraid to speak up with this person and now that I made some ripples in the water I’m scared they will walk out of my life. And I can’t go through that again.
Part of me thinks that if I’m not important enough to someone to work with me through our issues, issues that everyone has and they will have too, why would I want that person in my life? If they can’t give me the understanding I deserve why should accept that and keep giving all of myself to them? The other part of me knows how amazing we can be as a team and I know how important they are to me. The connection, the potential.
Yes, I have major anxiety. Yes, I have depression. That’s all on top of normal everyday stress that everyone has. I’m at the point where I’m finding it hard to hide it all now. And my fear that they won’t accept that is bad. I know this will pass and whoever can stand by my side through it, supporting me and understanding me, loving me, the end result will be more amazing than ever. That connection and bond will be unbreakable knowing you have even just one person who cares enough to say ‘you are enough and important enough to me that I will go through your struggles with you and not just watch it happen to you.’
I keep waiting for the shoe to drop and that causes me to cause issues that aren’t necessary. I’ve worked so hard on becoming the person I want to be and now I worry that the person I am isn’t enough. I know in my heart that I am enough, but are they at a point in their life where they will see it and acknowledge it?
So, I had this horrible night last night, which started with work. Had to go back and forth to and from work due to issues that were out of my control and then after work and at the end of the night I had to drive home a drunk of his ass father and his kids at someone’s house when the kids were scared and tired. I had to make this father give in and take the kids to a friends house instead of another party. It all worked out in the end but it messed me up. To see a parent treat their kids that way is horrible. Then I go home thinking I’ll get to talk to someone amazing, even though the talk would be a little upsetting, I thought it would end up being a really good talk. Well, that person decided that I wasn’t important enough to them to be given the courtesy of letting me know that they would not be talking to me but rather they got drunk and went home to bed. Knowing I wasn’t even a thought in their mind hurts. They are always on my mind and everything I do keeps them in mind. I do my best for them while they have no regard for my feelings.
I feel with time and patience things will be wonderful. But I don’t know if they have it in them.
So when is enough, enough. When do I fight for something and when I walk away?