Breaking Point

“I’m used to it, people I thought were important to me do not actually care much about me at all, maybe it was out of pity or maybe at that point in time they just needed someone to talk to, but either way I got let down so many times, I’m used to it”

 

We all have a breaking point. I have felt I have been at mine numerous times but I have always been able to see that I am not there yet, just being pushed a little too far. I have been able to recover and talk or forgive or pick myself up. But now I know the feeling of my breaking point.With everything I’ve been going through lately I thought this would be the one time they would stop and make time for me. That when I reached out and spoke up and asked for support, I would get it. I realize now how little I mean to them if at all. Here’s what happened…

So as you know I am struggling with anxiety and depression and I have work stress and the kids stress. I have someone special in my life who hides me from people and makes excuses for it, saying he wants me and the girls to move out of state to be with him yet he always puts me last. Well, the night before last my mom went to the hospital. She has heart issues that have sent her there before but she said this was different. Her blood pressure was really high and she was throwing up with a lot of pain in her stomach that went around her side and into her back. She said the pain was worse than childbirth. She was not doing well to say the least. This was around midnight. The next morning, after hours of morphine, she felt a little better. They did a ct scan and some blood work. We waited. Going between the hospital and home all day I was getting worn out and worried more than ever. I told that someone in my life that I needed him. We texted a bit through the day. Now, I haven’t actually talked to him in almost 3 days because he has been ‘busy’. I get that but now I really need someone to talk to and he knows this.

Last night all I wanted to do was to talk to him. He wasn’t responding to me and he made excuses when he would get back to me hours later. He has never put me first but he also knew that I needed to feel important since the last time we talked I told him I needed to feel that way. I thought he would finally put me first seeing as I was having the worst day ever.

Nope! He stayed out with his buddy until 3am and we never talked. WOW!! I really must mean a lot to him.

So now what do I do? I back off. Completely. It is time for him to see my value and what I bring to his life and the only way to do that is to walk away from him. Something drastic has to happen for him to realize what he will be missing out on. I cannot imagine ignoring someone who is going through a hard time and just doing my own thing. If  I were a veteran and called him telling him I needed someone to talk to, he would drop everything he was doing and be there for me. If I were one of his buddies and needed help, he would tell whoever he was with to wait and he would call me.

But no. I’m only the woman who sacrifices everything for him. I support him even when it’s hard and I don’t want him to be where he is, I want him here with me instead. I send him care packages and notes. I listen to him anytime he needs no matter what I’m doing. The people he stops his world for do nothing in return for him. He is taking me for granted and I’m tired of it. I have enough going on and don’t need yet another person to let me down. I don’t want to walk away from him but I have to respect myself and if he won’t put me first, I will.

I am at my breaking point. I want him in my life so badly that I have put up with more than anyone should have to. That is over. I am worth so much more than what he has given me. I will love myself enough. All I wanted was to make him happy but I needed just a little in return. He is selfish and cold.

I am at my breaking point and I don’t think I’m coming back this time.

 

 

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