In a Funk

So I’ve been trying to think of a fun y dating story for you all and I know I have some doozies! But I haven’t been able to think of a really good one. Have you ever just been in a funk?

I have to say things in my life are going pretty decent at the moment but for some reason I haven’t been able to enjoy it. I dont like being negative. Ive always been really good at focusing on the positive and throwing away the bad stuff.

Take today for example… I had two friends ask me to do something. One was going to a friends house for swimming and a bbq and invited me! Super nice. I was excited. I wouldn’t know anyone besides my one friend but that’s how you meet new people. I cleaned my house a bit and showered and got ready to go out. But when it came time to actually go, I got this overwhelming feeling. I didn’t want to leave my house. I cancelled.

My other friend asked me to grab food and drinks and then back to their place for a movie or hang out outside and relax. Perfect! More laid back. I’m a homebody anyway. But once again, when they got home from work and texted me I froze. I went to the store to grab some drinks and that made me feel a little better. I was out. But then I went home to grab some stuff and it set it again. I cancelled.

Now I’ve dealt with anxiety since I was a teenager. Anxiety is no stranger in my home. But this was different. This has been happening a lot though, not just today. On the weekends my girls are gone I like to relax and sleep and be lazy but I also like to go out and have me time and adult interactions. Most of the time I do. But for the past few months, every so often, I get this feeling and I can’t get myself to go out.

When this happens I overthink. I run continuous scenarios through my mind all day long. If I would go out and have fun I’d be fine but I’m giving myself too much time to think. I need to get out of my head and I can’t always. Then the weekend ends and I’m mad at myself for sitting in all weekend.

I want to have experiences. I want to make new friendships and build on the ones I already have. But I’m in a funk. And I’m going to lose friendships over it. I don’t tell anyone about this either. They don’t know what’s going on and assume, as I would too, that I’m just cancelling and am rude. I don’t like telling people my issues. I’ve tried to approach one person about it but then I stop myself.

I don’t want anyone to see me as weak. I have to be strong. Strong for my girls because they deserve a strong mother to look up to. Strong for my work because I need my job. Strong for my family because I don’t want judging. And strong for him because he has enough going on in his life and he needs someone strong to support him. (I am not dating anyone but there is a special someone I’ve been building with) If I show any weakness my fear is people will see me differently. I want people to look at me and say ‘damn! She’s a strong woman. She can do anything’. That’s who people want to be around. And I need people.

This too shall pass. Have you ever gotten stuck in a funk? What helped you?

Respect vs Trust

‘My love is unconditional. My trust and respect are not’

Where to begin. I’ve been struggling with this for a while now. I, like many people, have trust issues. If I can’t trust someone, I can’t respect them. This is due to the fact that if you’ve done something to lose my trust, you don’t respect me. Therefore how can I respect you?

‘I want you to trust me.’ I want to trust. If you want me to trust you, you have to respect me. If you put yourself in a position that will cause me not to trust you, that’s on you. You set us up for failure when you start thinking of ways that I would ‘need’ to trust you but know it will be hard for me to do so. Why don’t you instead take yourself out of the situations that would cause a trust issue?

Now I understand that not all situations can be avoided. But most can be. If you want me in your life and I am important to you, stop putting yourself in the way of things that would lose my trust. Maybe it’s just me, but if I know something would upset my better half…I don’t do it! End of discussion. I would rather have one person who I love and respect and want in my life than a bunch of experiences that would push that person away. There is so much more to life.

For example… I use my social media to post my ‘dating tips’. I wanted this blog to be around that as well. Maybe even write a book. Ive seen and been through a lot! But I would ever tell someone I’m dating or want to date that they have to trust me even though, for my ‘dating tips’, I’ll have to talk to other men, that would be completely unfair. Once you start making excuses for poor behavior, it leads to acting on it. If you start a sentence with ‘what you have to understand is’… and follow that up with something that would upset me, you’ve lost me. I will not understand. You’re setting us up for failure before we even start.

Instead of telling me I need to trust you even though you will be surrounding yourself with things that will upset me, try telling me that you won’t do anything to lose my trust. Tell me I have nothing to worry about. Tell me you respect me enough not to put yourself in a situation that would lose my trust. That I am important to you and you won’t do anything to lose me.

Reassuring your partner is wonderful! Backing that reassurance up with actions is even better! And I don’t mean once you have them. If you are in the beginning phase of getting to know someone and you feel you want this person in your life, your actions are very important. Don’t think that just because you aren’t committed yet, that means you can do anything you’d like. Remember… the way a person is treated when you are courting them is the best it should be. It should be the time you are showing them how you will be once you are theirs and they are yours. It is the time to gain trust and respect.

If you don’t respect me from the get go, you never will. And if I can’t trust you from the get go, I never will.

So don’t make the mistake of making excuses for things that haven’t happened yet. Rather make reassurances that those things won’t happen. It’s easier to deal with an issue, because EVERY relationship has issues, as it comes than to have your partner waiting for it to happen because you’ve put the idea in their head. You are guilty of premeditated issues.

If you aren’t ready to prove to someone through your actions that they can trust you, don’t start with them in the first place. You will lose not only their respect, but you will lose them as well. Wait until you are mature enough to have a healthy relationship with trust and respect. They go hand in hand.

Injection of Friendship

‘Before you can break out of your prison, you must realize you are locked up’

I dated someone some time back and it will always stick with me. We got along great. He was a little younger than me, but it didn’t seem to matter. We had a lot of fun together but most of our time was spent at home relaxing and watching tv and talking. Here’s what happened.

It had been a few weeks when we were out to dinner and we planned on grabbing an early breakfast and spending the next day together. So it was agreed that I was stay the night at his place. He was a complete gentleman. He offered to sleep on the couch while I took the bed. So we get to his place and turn the tv on. We chat a little and are getting tired so he takes a shower while I get ready for bed. His shower was about an hour long but hey! Some people like long showers to relax. I thought nothing of it.

Before we fall asleep we cuddle up and watch some tv. He passes out pretty quickly and it was sort of cute. I’m just listening to him breathe. He jerked a little in his sleep but nothing too alarming. Then I noticed that his breathing would stop every so often for a few seconds or more and hen that deep breath to catch up. Again, I was used to knowing people with sleep apnea so it wasn’t too alarming but I kept an eye on him.

Now it’s about 2am and I wake up having to pee. It’s dark and when I go to step out of bed I tripped over his gym bag. He went to the gym a lot, even though he was a smaller guy. It spilled out a little so I started to put everything back, trying not to wake him. What I find next was alarming. Needles. But they were diabetic needles and wrapped as if from the pharmacy. Ok. Give him the benefit of the doubt. I don’t know everything about him so maybe he is diabetic. But I’m not too stupid. I go to the bathroom and back to sleep.

The next day was great! I watched for signs but nothing was there. No needle marks, no weird behavior. Ok. Phew!

A few days go by and I stay the night again. But this particular day he had bruises on both his arms. But, his explanation made sense. While at work he was getting a box down and had to cart it in both arms and it was pretty heavy. Ok.

So, like before, he passes out early. Well, now I’m worried so I go to the bathroom and start to look for warning signs. He was a good person. Very good to me. Never over stepping the boundaries. I look in the medicine cabinet…nothing. I looking in the drawers…nothing. Ok good. No, not good. His toiletry bag was in a drawer. Now, I know it’s a privacy thing but I had reason…I open it. Damn!! A nasty spoon and tiny bags of white powder and a needle. You’ve got to be kidding me!!

I put everything back and just sit here watching him sleep. What the hell do I do now? His phone had been ringing but he wasn’t waking up. The morning comes and I wake him up. I hadn’t slept at all. He gets up and can tell something is wrong. He asks me what’s wrong and I simply said ‘why don’t you tell me!’

He knows I know. But he still doesn’t say. He asked me what was going on and I won’t play games. I told him what I found and wanted an explanation. He got upset but not mad upset. He said he was glad I found it. That he didn’t want to tell me but wanted me to know. He said he wanted to stop, for me. First mistake. I know about addiction and getting clean can’t be for another person.

Anyway, he said hat he had been having problems and didn’t have anything worth being clean for…until I came along. He said the fact that I didn’t leave when I found it made him realize that someone cares and he wanted to get better. But he wanted to do it on his own. No rehab. So we made an agreement.

Two weeks. Two weeks to get clean and if he couldn’t he would go into a center. Well, after that whenever I would come over I would see all the baggies out on the table. Just because I know now doesn’t mean I want to see it!!! He was cutting down but it wasn’t good.

Well, somehow his parents found out and brought him home. Now his parents are of a certain reputation. His dad in particular. You don’t mess with him. He was big in Chicago and feared but to me, was the nicest man. I had a talk with his parents and we all agreed to help him.

I picked him up one day and we decided to grab coffee and food. While at Starbucks he had to use the bathroom and gave me money, a $100 dollar bill, for coffee. Weird but ok. He was in and out and I got the coffee and turn around to him standing behind me. We go outside to sit down and hen I see it. He is bleeding. From his arm. I flipped. You brought that shit around me, in my car?! You gotta be shitting me.

I came over another morning while he was going through withdraws and it was bad. His parents put their foot down and he process of cutting down was over. It was time to quit.

I brought over groceries that are known to help with withdrawal symptoms. I sat with him while he slept, shaking and sweaty. I rubbed his head. I sat with his parents a while trying to make a plan. He woke up for a bit and I sat with him. It was quiet. He got on his phone and after wanted to shower to feel better. I had lunch with his parents in the kitchen while he showered. I went to check on him and he was dressed. Hmmm. He had called a dealer to come and get him. I talked to him about how he had already come this far and not to throw it away. I told him if he left the house I wouldn’t be there when he got back. He parents told him they wouldn’t accept him back if he left. Unfortunately addiction is more complicated than getting clean for others.

I left before he did because I couldn’t keep putting myself through it. I cared about him but knew enough that if he didn’t want to be clean, he wouldn’t be. His mom called me later and told me his ride never came but he did go for a walk. But it was ok. About 3 days later he called me. From the airport. He was going to a facility out of state. I was sad but super happy for him. We wrote to each other and one of his counselors would call me with updates. He and I even talked a few times when he had phone time.

He never came back but he is clean and doing great now! I’ve spoken with a couple of his friends from rehab and heard good stories. One thing I heard will always remind me that the person I am shouldn’t change. He told me that this guy I dated talked about how grateful he was to have me in his life.

We didn’t have a real relationship, I was there for a purpose. To hell him. To show him kindness and understanding. I will never change who I am simply because I haven’t met the person who will treat me right. I’ve been through some really shitty times, and I won’t let that change me. I will care. I will help. And maybe one day I’ll love again.

 

Hazelden Addiction Treatment Center –

(800) 257-7810

Make Time For Those Who Matter

‘We all make time for what we feel is important in our lives’

Making time for things and people that are important to us is…important. You have to be careful about this. If you don’t make time for the things you love, you’ll miss out on experiences. If you don’t make time for the people you love, you’ll miss out on experiences as well but you may also lose that person.

There are people who will drop what they are doing for others. They will make time to listen to their day or their worries or their achievements. If you do drop what you’re doing for everyone around you but not for the person who drops what they are doing to listen to you, be prepared to lose that.

So often we don’t realize what we have until it’s gone. Everyone has a breaking point. There will come a point when that person will say to themselves ‘I do what I do for you because I value you but if you don’t value me, I have to value myself’.

I don’t stop my life for someone to get anything in return. And very seldom do I ever ask anyone for anything. But every so often it would be nice to have someone who would do the same for me. Especially when I hear how they drop everything for others. Just not for me. They will talk highly about some who help them and support them. I do this for them but it goes unnoticed. It goes unappreciated.

Again, I do what I do because I care about them. Not for a thank you. But there does come a time where enough is enough. If I’m building a relationship  with someone and it’s all one sided, it will never work.

I wonder sometimes if I’m living in a fantasy world where I’m the only one living there. Are my deeds in my head? Am I not doing enough? Am I not enough? Once a person makes me feel as if I’m not enough, I can’t help but back off. Not because I don’t care and don’t want to support them. But because I have to put myself somewhere on my own list of priorities.

I am the type of person who puts themselves last. I don’t need much but what I do need I am not getting. Basic respect. If you know I need you and you choose to be there for everyone else above me, I’ll shut down. I still need you but I know I won’t get what I need and I won’t keep asking. I don’t like to bother anyone with my stuff. Good or bad. Everyone has their shit and I don’t want to add to it. I just don’t like when people ask to hear about my day and then everyone and everything comes above me. I won’t wait forever. I’ve gone this long on my own so I don’t mind keeping up with that.

What bothers me most is when others then get upset when I don’t open up to them once they’ve shown me I am not on their list of priorities. What do they expect?

It’s the same with trust. I used to trust everyone until they give me a reason not to. Now they have to earn it before I give it. I do everything in my power to prove to those I care about that they can trust me. That I will always be there for them. Words are just that. Words. If you show me that I am not important to you, it won’t matter what you say to me. Don’t tell me you care about me and then put me last on your list of things to do for the day. The people you drop everything for are no more struggling than I am. It’s just in a different way. And if you think I’m going to change my life for you, and you show me through your actions that I’m not a priority to you, you’ll be disappointed.

Make time for what is important to you. If you don’t you may lose out on some of the best things in your life.

Can’t be Alone

‘Integrity is not something you show others. It is how you behave behind their back.’

 

Here’s a little story of one of my dating experiences… have a laugh!

I started seeing someone who didn’t live super close but not all that far. He was about 4 hours away. Not horrible. We talked all the time on the phone and saw each other when we could. Both single parents. Getting to know each other was a lot of fun.

Had a weekend together that was fun but a little weird. I felt ‘hidden’. Something seemed off but maybe he just wanted to stay in because we didn’t have a lot of time together and he just wanted to keep me to himself. Right? Wrong lol. Always trust your gut.

Halloween weekend was coming up and I was going to come visit him. He told me, the night before, that he was super sorry but a family member had gotten sick and was in the hospital and he had to drive to them, 6 hours away, and help the family. I completely understood!! In fact, I thought it was honorable that he would put himself aside to help out family. We agreed to postpone our plans til the next weekend.

Well, that weekend I was scrolling through Facebook and saw pictures of him and some girl at a Halloween party. Hmm…cousin perhaps? I went to his profile and his relationship status said ‘in a relationship’!! Wait, what?!

I called him and he didn’t answer. Of course. Coward. Well I finally got a call from him. He apologized a million times. His excuse was that, yes he was dating someone, and it started after we had been seeing each other. He said he needed to see the person he was with more than the occasional weekend. Ok. I get that. But why juggle two people?! Just tell me, right?

Well he thought he could have us both. Why do people think this way? In what world is that ok? It’s disrespectful. He said he really wanted to be with me and not her but he could see her more. Well, I bet that made her feel great! Second choice but eh, ok.

We talked every night up to that point. How?! Did she really not notice? He did everything right on the surface. You never know what a person is doing. You shouldn’t have to be on top of someone 24/7 in order for them to be faithful. It’s called integrity. Having morals and values. Why can’t people just be loyal even when it’s hard? I would never do that to a person.

I try to be a good friend. I try to be my best in a relationship. I spoil the person I’m with. I do everything I can to make the people who are important in my life know they are appreciated and that I’m there for them. Always. I will drop what I’m doing to help them. I’ve never had that returned but still I remain the person I am. I don’t want to be a doormat. I have faith that good people are out there. I won’t let these people break me.

Better to be honest and upfront than hurt someone who has done nothing but good for you and your life.

Misunderstandings

‘The worst distance between two people is misunderstanding’ …

Have you ever tried to tell someone something, how you feel or something that happened, and they misunderstand? There are lots of ways to misunderstand something. It can be the worst thing to happen between two people.

I had a few misunderstandings happen today. The first happened when I was trying to save someone from my moody bad mood, only to keep them from being moody too. It was taken as I was upset with them. So we talked. But only after the day had passed and it ruined their whole day.

The second misunderstanding was in that conversation. I told this person that ‘I didn’t want to go through what I went through before’ with them. I believe, from their response, that they think I meant the end phase of our relationship. The fighting and lying and frustrations. That was not what I meant.

I didn’t, and don’t, want to go through what followed our ending things. The being broken and crushed. The having to put myself back together even though it was only partly. I can take fights and frustration. As long as we communicate and fix things then and there. What I want to avoid is what happens when two people give up on each other. (Well, I never gave up but he did).

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What happened was I was crushed. Ive been through breakups before. Bad ones. But they were survivable. My life wasn’t changed. But the last time, the last time was different. The connection we had was gone. The late night talks. Looking at each other and knowing the love is there. The future plans. The present plans. The learning about each other. Being next to each other and feeling safer than I’ve ever felt in my life.

I lost that and I don’t want to go through that again. But I couldn’t explain that. The misunderstanding had happened and they went on talking so I couldn’t explain. Going back to explain it would have seemed silly.

Then the conversation got cut short. I just want time to talk!! I have questions. I just want to sit and listen too. I don’t want to get off the phone because then they are gone again.

Have you ever felt sick to your stomach, feeling like you haven’t had the chance to say something important to you? Unfinished business? Maybe I’m overly sensitive. Maybe I have issues. Lol. Having a lot on your plate, as I do, makes you appreciate the moments with someone who matters so much more. I need more of those moments. I don’t want to be selfish. I had a family member once tell me that I should be selfish though. That I deserve to be when it comes to the person I love. I should make sacrifices and that it’s ok to let them do so as well.

I’ve never been good at that. Letting someone else do for me. I want it. I would love nothing more than for this person to drop everything and come to me. To build a life with me. But I will never ask that or expect it. They do that for others  now and have in the past. They take pride in doing so. But they don’t for me and never have and so I will never ask for it. I want them to do for me because they want to, because they love me so much, and because I matter to them.

But back to misunderstandings. People can misunderstand and it will either make them think something good or something bad. Then in later conversation, you’ll mention something and you’re looking crazy because they have no idea what you’re talking about.

I think people need to slow down and really listen to the person they are talking to. People need to slow down and explain what they really mean. Communication is the key to any relationship. Work, family, friends, and intimate. I wish he understood me better. I wish I knew what to say to help that happen. I can’t push and I can’t back off.

What do you do when there is only one thing you want and you don’t know how to go about it?

First Dates

DATING TIP #72…

When I’m a first date, if you decide to introduce him/her to anyone around you, make sure you use THEIR name. (This also goes for saying I love you for the first time in the heat of the moment)

We all know first dates can be super awkward! I personally hate them. I would much rather skip to 3 months in when everyone is comfy and no one is trying too hard to be someone they aren’t. But we have to laugh at our first dates. They are unavoidable. Here are a few of my first date disasters…

I went on a first date with a guy who I had talked to a few times. He seemed like a lot of fun and someone I would get along with great! He managed a restaurant/bar so he invited me to come have dinner and some drinks. Well, he was working but that was ok actually. It was nice to watch him work, he had the chef make me a great meal, and we had drinks while he kept the place running.

Conversation was flowing great. He seemed to be who he was from the beginning. The night went on and he decided to introduce me to some ‘regulars’ at the restaurant and some coworkers. This is what happened…

‘Hey! This is my…friend…Karen!’ It was loud in the place but I heard him correctly. Um… that’s not my name!!! When the introductions were over all I wanted to do was get the hell out of there. He could tell I was being weird and says ‘sorry. I said ‘friend’ because I wasn’t sure how to introduce you’. I just stared at him. REALLY?! THAT’S what he thought was wrong?!

I looked at him and said ‘that’s not the problem. What’s my name?’ He gets quiet and says ‘Karen?’ ‘No. It’s Meg. Not even close!’ He felt bad and I made it into a joke and said ‘better keep your girls straight next time’ and I left. 🤦‍♀️

One more first date experience for you..

I agreed to go on a date with a guy I met through mutual friends. We decided to go play pool and grab a drink after. Something a little different. Cool. Now, he knows I am a single mom. He knows some of my past. We also discussed how neither of us like the dating scene and would rather date to get to know someone and have a future. We are too old to date just to date.

We are having a great time. Laughing at his dumb jokes, the occasional touch of the arm, you know. High school stuff lol. We finish up our game of pool and sit for a drink. He asks me about the girls and seems like he’s interested. A bit of time goes by and he says ‘there is zero part of me that wants to be a parent’. Wait..what? Why on earth would you date a single mom then?! Why would you tell me that?! Right then and there I was done. I had already said, and he agreed, that I’m not dating to pass the time. Moral of the story… don’t date a single mom/dad if you don’t like kids!!!

Yes, first dates can be bad. Man can they ever! But they can be good too. And I’ll tell you of some of those another time. For now, I laugh at my dates and learn much from them! Lol. Happy dating!

Feel free to comment some of your own funny experiences below!! 😎