Good with the Bad

We all have good days and bad days. Good moments and bad ones. It’s how we get through them that defines us as a person…

This morning was a bad one for me. It came out of nowhere. I was watching a movie, one that is intended for teens and requires little thinking. I LOVE these movies lol. They are one of my guilty pleasures. So I’m watching and I start getting emotional. Like EXTREMELY emotional. I don’t even know why so I just go with it. A good cry can be very good for a person. But it won’t stop. So I, in my usual overthinking fashion, start to analyze why.

I’m a generally happy person. Always trying to find the positive in a situation. I start to realize that my time is over. Not my life, but my time to really follow my dreams. I now need to focus on my girls and make sure they don’t end up hitting 37 years old,  being alone and not having had carried out their dreams and goals. I want them to have more than I do. I want to help them do for themselves while helping them achieve all they want and dream of.

I have my amazing daughters, I have a few good friends, and I have a job I don’t hate. I don’t have a lot to complain about. I’ve made mistakes and I’ve made some really awesome choices as well. I’m almost at the point where I can buy a home for myself and the girls. One they deserve. With a yard and their own rooms. Where they can come home to and relax and feel safe and relaxed. I want to have bbq’s and birthday parties. Holidays and more. And I will have this for them and myself. It is something I won’t stop trying to get until I’ve gotten it.

Being able to do this as a single mom is important to me. For many reasons. I love that I can do it on my own. But part of me wishes I had someone to share it with. Other than the girls. Someone special to me. Someone who can see what I’ve done and built and they can be proud of me. Someone I can come home to and relax with after dinner and cleaning up the house. I want to wake up on Saturday mornings and make breakfast and have coffee in the yard and soak up the sun and quiet while holding the hand of my soulmate. I want the good and the bad. The cuddle moments and the fights. The making up and the getting through anything life throws at us because we are that amazing together.

I want to watch the girls grow up knowing what an honest and true relationship looks like and feels like. I want to share the moments the girls have with another person. Maybe even have a child together. Although I’m getting older and that probably will never happen, having the idea is one I like to think about.

I have so much to offer someone and want them to offer the same to me. I want the old fashioned relationship where we support each other and work through every moment as a team. I want to build my empire. And I’ll do it alone but having someone by my side would make it all that much better.

I know who I want this with. I would like to think we both have this same vision. But it seems impossible. Once upon a time it wasn’t so impossible. We shared our dream of building a life together. We had plans and were working them out in our heads. We looked at houses and went shopping for furniture and art work. We had space from each other but made every moment together count. But that all fell apart one day.

I remember this day like it was yesterday. We talk now about why things went so wrong and bounce ideas why off each other. Everything that went bad happened due to one thing. But I never say what the real reason was. I don’t say because I don’t want this person to feel bad. I don’t want to make waves where there is no reason to. Telling him what really broke us won’t fix anything. It is what it is. I’m happy for him and who he has become and what he has achieved. I wish I had been there for most of this but I wasn’t. I tried to be but I understand why he didn’t want me to be.

The reason I don’t date anymore is because it wouldn’t be fair to anyone I would date. I wouldn’t be able to give 100% of myself to them. My heart will forever remain with one person. Finding your soulmate and losing them doesn’t just go away once you realize it can never be. You just have to accept it and live the best life you can without them.

I will never feel the way I did with him with anyone else. Dating anyone else would be wrong. They would be getting a little bit of me but I would be comparing every moment with them to moments with the one I really want and deserve. That’s not right. I have too much respect for people to treat them that way.

I will always appreciate and remember all the good times. I will look back on those times and smile. I may not have the forever moments but the time I did have showed me what real love is. Without this person I would have never known what that feels like. And for this I am more than grateful. I cherish what we had. I want nothing more than success and an amazing life for him. I know that with me by his side, it would be that much better. For both of us. But I don’t see how that would be possible.

Legally I can’t move out of the state because the girls dad would never allow it. I can go to court to get a judge to ok it, but that won’t work either. One of the reasons I mentioned earlier that I cannot say because I don’t want anyone to feel bad about the past. He won’t move to me. I wouldn’t ask him to. He has almost everything he wants now and I’m so extremely happy for him. He will have an amazing life and I’m thankful for that. Because my love for him is so real, I accept that I won’t be a part of it. But if he ever falls and needs someone to pick him up, I’ll be here. Able and willing.

So I’m watching this movie and crying my eyes out. Knowing that I had what everyone dreams of having and it slipped away from me. Was ripped away to be honest. By someone who will never appreciate him the way I did and still do. I know the exact moment things went down. I will never forgive the person who caused this. He doesn’t even know what he did. (No. It was not another woman) If he knew what he had caused I don’t think he would care either. He has what he wants. He has the man I was created for. He gets to live out his life, not knowing that he not only destroyed me, but he took away half of my soulmates dream as well. When I first met my soulmate he told me his dreams. To have a family and to have his own business. This other person thinks he knows him so well and gave him half of his dream. But does he know what he took away? How well does he know him? My soulmate could have had everything he’s ever wanted, me and a business. But circumstances have made it so that will never be. And I will never tell him this. It won’t fix anything. I won’t make him feel bad for chasing his dream. I just wish I was part of what he is chasing.

So I’ll watch my movies and cry from time to time and try my best not to show it. I will smile when I hear of something great that has happened in his life. I will be happy for him. I will continue to be a woman he can be proud of even if he isn’t here with me. I will live my life the best I can. I had something some will never have or know. For that, I love him even more.

Can You Swing It…

DATING TIP #13

When on a date, do not brag about the other person you are dating/talking to, to the person you are on a date with

DATING TIP #14

Do not proceed to look up said person from TIP #13 on social media to show videos of said person, pole dancing, to person you are on the current date with…

 

I met this one a few years back. We talked for over a year and then lost touch. Well, we reconnected a while back and went on a few small dates. Everything was going great! We liked the same things, he was a great dad, we had fun together.

He invited me over for a small bbq at his place and invited the girls to go swimming too. His girls were there along with his buddy and his buddy’s girlfriend. Laid back. It was a really nice day. His buddy even told me that he had never brought a girl to the house before me. Things were going great!

Then one night we went to a concert. Had a fun time. In the car, after the concert he pulls out his phone and proceeds to pull up his Instagram account and show me pictures of a girl pole dancing. He tells me this is another girl he is talking to and getting to know and told me how talented she was and went on and on and on.

We get to a bar for a drink before heading home and he gets his phone out again and continues to talk about this girl and show me pics! I simply said ‘well why aren’t you here with her then? She seems real great’.

ThenI later find out, from his buddy, that he got divorced because his wife didn’t approve of a woman he had been with..wait..what? Yep. He and his wife were swingers!! He had failed to tell me this. Makes sense though that he didn’t think twice about showing me a girl he was entertaining at the same time he was getting to know me. Bullet dodged!

You never know about people these days. Just another failed dating experience and another lesson learned. Laugh at these moments, they aren’t on us. I just don’t know how I find these people!! ;D

Mistakes

If you don’t learn from your mistakes, expect two things to happen. You will repeat them and others won’t be so accepting of them…

We all make mistakes. No one is perfect. I, myself, have flaws. Over the last year I have learned a lot about myself and have changed some things I wasn’t liking so much. I don’t overthink as much as I used to. I have become more accepting of certain human behaviors and I’ve learned not to accept some I was willing to allow before. I focused on myself and made myself happy. I don’t depend on anyone else anymore. I’ve learned that I need to open up more about what I need and not expect anyone to know what that is unless I speak up. And much more.

So why is it that while I am changing for the better and making self improvements, I should have to accept the past mistakes of others that keep happening? The answer is I shouldn’t. While I learned that some of my expectations of others were too high to achieve, some were valid. And when I voice those expectations, multiple times, I’ve learned that if they are continually not met I have two choices. I can forget them and accept the behavior or I can move on from the person still overlooking my wishes.

If I am not treated in the same respect as others in someone’s life, in a positive manner, I will no longer continue to give all of myself to that person. In fact, I won’t give any of myself to them. If the respect level is so low that a simple request of their actions is too much for them, then they don’t deserve what I have to offer. This goes for any type of relationship. Friends, family, and intimate.

My walking away from a person who will not listen to my basic needs of respect is not a sign of ignorance. Rather it is a sign of self respect. A sign of maturity. It is a statement that says, if you do not respect me, I still do. I will no longer beg for respect. I will no longer beg for someone to change. The last thing I want to do in fact, is change someone. No matter how much I value a person, no matter how much I want a person in my life, if respect is not mutual, it won’t work.

How can you expect a person to change their life for you if you won’t change yours for them?

I’m still waiting for that person who respects me as much as I do them and I will continue do so until I don’t have to ask for it.

Ghettofabulous Date!!

DATING TIP #11

Before the first date you should disclose a criminal background. Such examples include, but are NOT limited to… ‘I went to jail for trying to shoot someone in the face point blank’…

Ok, time for a story….

(I won’t name names here so I’ll just say ‘him’)

When I met him, he seemed like a normal guy. We messaged for a while, talking about the usual ‘get to know you’ stuff and it sounded like he was family orientated and had goals. He had a decent job in construction and was in the process of buying a home. He spent a lot of time with his nieces and nephews.

He had a wild side that would peak out in our conversations but nothing too crazy. We started talking on the phone rather than messaging, and this was nice because hearing a persons voice I think is important. He sounded like your normal white kid from the suburbs.

We agreed on a first date, and I wanted to make it a group thing, trying to be cautious but fun still. I went to my girlfriends house, where she and her boyfriend and her best friend (another man) were there. I gave him directions and we waited. What happened next was surprising to say the least…

When he showed up he looked great! He smelled good. He came up the driveway smiling, and that’s when it happened. ‘Yo! What’s happenin?!’ Wait…what? From the time he got there to the time he left he talked as if he had been raised in the ghetto. And not just what he said but his voice literally SOUNDED different! It threw me off, and my friends as well, since his look in no way shape or form, matched his voice. And this wasn’t the voice he used on the phone.

But ok. That’s not the worst of it…

We are now sitting around the table in my friends kitchen chatting, having a few drinks, and I was trying to get everyone talking. Now side note…my friend had been dating her boyfriend for only a few months now and he always wore a hat. She had NEVER seen him without it and wondered why. So I pipe up and say ‘hey *****, do you ever go out without your hat? Why do you always wear it?’ Smiling and having a good time he goes to answer and my ‘date’ decides to give his two cents…

’Because he’s bald!!!’ Laughing loudly this guy blurts this out, as if he and this guy were old buddies. Only they weren’t. They had just met. The table went silent. Little did we know this was actually why he wore the hat and was self conscious about it. It was getting more and more awkward by the second so I again open my mouth to smooth the situation…

’Oh my God! Me too!… you don’t think this is my real hair do you?!’ Two seconds go by and everyone busts out laughing 😂 phew!! Oh but it doesn’t stop there…

We then all head outside to have a cigarette and this guy continues to talk about random things and then says ‘yeah…I did some time for shooting a guy point blank in the face. The gun jammed though so I didn’t kill anyone.’ …UM WHAT?!?! He failed to mention this all the time we had been getting to know each other and now he tells me it’s ok because the gun didn’t work?! This person was able to shoot someone in the face, assuming it would work! He makes a few more insulting jokes and I end the night quickly. What the fuck was I thinking?!

Now I don’t know why I attract felons but there must have been something about me back then that I wasn’t aware of. I am now much more aware of signs and I look very deeply into someone before having that first date.

I can laugh about this today because nothing bad happened besides a crazy horrible bad date and it taught me some good lessons. Even if it’s a date set up by a friend, be careful out there. People are very good at hiding who they really are. Still, put yourself out there and get to know people. Be cautious but don’t assume the worst in everyone.

Stay ghettofabulous!!

Little Ms. Allowance

I had a friend ask me ‘so what do you find is your problem finding someone? Do you just bark up the wrong trees…?’ Good question. I think a lot of women fall into the pattern and behavior that I did and when I realized what I was doing, what I was allowing, I could and did stop it.

Not every man I have dated has been a bad person. Most of the time I would allow them to treat me less than I deserved. Not always poorly, but still less. Then after a while it would continue or get worse, until I couldn’t take the hurt anymore that I would end it or explode on the person, making myself look ‘crazy’ (a term I hate and will get into in another post). So why would I keep doing this?

Well, the main reason is that I felt that I would be treated better as he got to know me. That he would all of a sudden realize what he had, appreciate me and all I do for him, and return it back to me. I don’t like asking for love. Who does to be honest?! I wanted my needs to be met by him knowing what I needed because he would pay attention to me and just…know. I wanted him to see what I sacrifice for him and what I give, and not only not take that for granted but appreciate it and give it back in return.

But I would accept being treated less than I deserved. And he would continue to go on as he always did because he was never told not to. Now, most adult men should know how to treat a woman without being told. But a certain degree of responsibility lies on us women to make sure we are treated the right way. If you’re given the ability to do something, and be rewarded for it, why would you stop? Because you know better maybe, but we are talking about men here… 🙂 It’s like being told you can have pizza everyday and then one day you’re fat and sick and you get mad because ‘how did this happen?!’

I wanted, and still want, a man who knows me so well that I won’t have to ask for my needs to be met. That I won’t have to ask him to show me that he loves me. I won’t have to ask him to prove he desires me and only me. But I will never again allow myself to be treated less than I deserve. I will ask for what I need from the other person. Don’t let things bottle up until they explode and I’m left standing in the middle, hurt and ‘crazy’. I will be selfish and expect and demand that I am treated the right way.

I am not a feminist burning my bras and I’m also not going to serve my man and expect nothing in return. I am old fashioned though. And women like me are easily taken advantage of and we easily allow it because it’s our nature to. I love nothing more than taking care of people, making them happy and smile and feel good about themselves. When I’m with a man I want him to know and feel as if he is the only one who matters and that he can do anything with me by his side.

I used to think that ‘the one’ would accept these things about me and take care of me and love me and never take me for granted or take advantage of my nature. And to a point I still believe that. I would make sure I did all I could to do so for him. But I know now that I need to speak up sometimes.

No one is perfect and we all have flaws. Someone, one day, will love those flaws and imperfections and we will build each other up to make each other stronger, as individuals and as a couple.

This is a longer post with the hopes that it gives some insight into who I am as far as relationships go. With the hope that it will help someone else not make the same mistakes I made.

The Stepping Stone Girl

The Stepping Stone Girl… that’s what I’ve been since I got divorced. Even some of my best relationships have ended up this way. I’ve dated men who needed something from me. Never just me but what I could give them. From getting them over an ex, getting them into rehab, showing them someone can care about them, just being a therapist and listening when they had no one else, being a driver and support to court and AA meetings, to being the girl they can take home to mom and marry one day but it never gets there. No one wants to be The Stepping Stone Girl and that’s never the intent of the girl.

People hide their intentions very well. Always an agenda. But no more for this girl. I’ve taken time off to focus on myself and my girls and my work. I will never again allow myself to be a Stepping Stone Girl. I am at a point in my life where I am happy with myself and not being in a relationship. I have a lot to offer someone. I don’t nees anything from anyone and when I get into my next relationship it will be because I want that person and not what they can give me or do for me. And vice versus.

Women tend to allow men to treat them less than they should because we think that one day, one day they will realize what they have in front of them and appreciate us and give back that respect and appreciation. We are nurturing by nature. It is something that should be embraced and not taken for granted.

one big thing you should never tell your Stepping Stone Girl after the relationship ends is that she is an amazing person and any guy would be lucky to have her. Really? Fucking really? You had me and let me go so I don’t want to hear the shit that comes out of your mouth about me now.

One thing everyone should know about a Stepping Stone Girl is that they can only take so much. There is a breaking point, and you don’t want to be around when that happens…

This girl will be someone’s Woman. Someone’s one and only. Someone’s world. I will be with someone who adores me as much as I adore them…

The Drive of Insight

I was driving the other day with my girls, coming home from bowling, and the conversation turned to one of one of the men I dated that the girls got attached to pretty quickly. It was a light convo about what he is up to now and how we were becoming friends again. Now I don’t tell my girls much about my dating life but they love to joke with me about meeting someone. Macy, my 9 year old says ‘well someone who would come all that way to see us must really like us!’ (Back then, this wasn’t recent)  I told her she was right and that sometimes things don’t work out the way we think it will but that that’s ok. She then says, without knowing why the relationship ended, ‘well, he only made one mistake. I mean, that’s not so bad.’

My 9 year old has a lot of knowledge for her little self. She is a deep thinker without even trying. She understands that people make mistakes and that it’s ok to do so. I feel I must be doing something right. It makes me think a lot about my own mistakes and the mistakes of others. What mistakes are too much and what can be forgotten. What are we willing to sacrifice for the things we want in life. ‘It was only one mistake’.

So my question to you is when do you fight for something or someone, when do you expect them to fight for you, and when do you walk away? And how long before making that decision? Part of me wants to fight, part of me wants someone to fight for me, and part of me wants no distractions so I can keep my thoughts on my own goals. I know what I will do, but I know I’m not the only one who’s been in this position.